In Constant Battle

Can a seasoned warrior stay in battle for days without stopping? Surely they too must put a stop on their seemingly endless struggle for strength and victory.


So many days have gone by that I have been suffering an absence in my very own self. Maybe it's just a case of teenage intrapersonal battle raging from within. I don't have any mortal enemies in the people around me. My arch-rival--who is by the way, myself-- always gets me into thinking that maybe I was meant to fight off his self-destructive nature. I wasn't always so successful all the time.


I have won wars before. Mind games against other people was my hobby when I was still dead. I was never a genius but it was fun sometimes to be able to read the minds of my enemies. And yet, I do have limitations. The more I go on destroying other people's swagger, the more I sink myself in the quicksand that I have always avoided throughout those days. I never really have known my enemy back then. All I was aware of is that I'm battling the shadows of something yet unknown to the depth of my ignorance.


It felt like I have two 'selves' living in me. One was the ignorant and one was the wise--although I'm not yet fully wise but I have been fully ignorant. Paul of Tarsus was right when he said that the Spirit is in constant battle with the flesh. What one likes, the other hates. When one wins, the other one loses. And of course when one is hurt, I would also be hurt even though I love one and hate the other, after all, the two are in me.


It's tough to be caught between the battle. I'm in constant struggle to be purely on one side and not in the middle. I love the Spirit and I want to defeat my flesh, but sometimes it appeared to be the opposite. God forbid.


In those times, the Spirit taught me very important lessons. One was about emotions. I dislike emotions so much that I would do anything just to suppress myself from exposing myself to it. It's disappointing that battles against emotions do get a toll of me most of the time. Many people have stumbled simply because they treat their emotions as their master, unfortunately unaware. It's suicide to follow what your heart desires, for the heart is the most deceitful of all things and nothing can compare to it. It hurts to avoid doing what your heart wants you to do simply because you're aware that it's wrong. But hey, savor the victory because emotions are hard to defeat even with the toughest warriors in the planet and most importantly because you saved your butt from burning in hell.


Then there are the worthless cravings, indulgences and the like. As a slave begotten a son by the High King, I am soon to be a prince someday. Someday I would be living in total luxury in my Father's mansion in heaven, and then what, should I continue to enjoy myself playing with mud? By no means! But I am still incomplete, still in training. I feel a great disgust on myself whenever I run after things I don't want.


The thing is, no matter who you are-- rich or poor, tall or short, young or old-- you are in constant battle the moment you know who you are and who the enemy is. If you don't know the truth then you don't really know anything at all. You are on the losing side if you live in the dark. The battle was even tough on those who know the truth. How much more on those who don't?


So then, it was not easy for me. I took a side; trusted in my Master; and that's all that matters.


Victory.