In Constant Battle

Can a seasoned warrior stay in battle for days without stopping? Surely they too must put a stop on their seemingly endless struggle for strength and victory.


So many days have gone by that I have been suffering an absence in my very own self. Maybe it's just a case of teenage intrapersonal battle raging from within. I don't have any mortal enemies in the people around me. My arch-rival--who is by the way, myself-- always gets me into thinking that maybe I was meant to fight off his self-destructive nature. I wasn't always so successful all the time.


I have won wars before. Mind games against other people was my hobby when I was still dead. I was never a genius but it was fun sometimes to be able to read the minds of my enemies. And yet, I do have limitations. The more I go on destroying other people's swagger, the more I sink myself in the quicksand that I have always avoided throughout those days. I never really have known my enemy back then. All I was aware of is that I'm battling the shadows of something yet unknown to the depth of my ignorance.


It felt like I have two 'selves' living in me. One was the ignorant and one was the wise--although I'm not yet fully wise but I have been fully ignorant. Paul of Tarsus was right when he said that the Spirit is in constant battle with the flesh. What one likes, the other hates. When one wins, the other one loses. And of course when one is hurt, I would also be hurt even though I love one and hate the other, after all, the two are in me.


It's tough to be caught between the battle. I'm in constant struggle to be purely on one side and not in the middle. I love the Spirit and I want to defeat my flesh, but sometimes it appeared to be the opposite. God forbid.


In those times, the Spirit taught me very important lessons. One was about emotions. I dislike emotions so much that I would do anything just to suppress myself from exposing myself to it. It's disappointing that battles against emotions do get a toll of me most of the time. Many people have stumbled simply because they treat their emotions as their master, unfortunately unaware. It's suicide to follow what your heart desires, for the heart is the most deceitful of all things and nothing can compare to it. It hurts to avoid doing what your heart wants you to do simply because you're aware that it's wrong. But hey, savor the victory because emotions are hard to defeat even with the toughest warriors in the planet and most importantly because you saved your butt from burning in hell.


Then there are the worthless cravings, indulgences and the like. As a slave begotten a son by the High King, I am soon to be a prince someday. Someday I would be living in total luxury in my Father's mansion in heaven, and then what, should I continue to enjoy myself playing with mud? By no means! But I am still incomplete, still in training. I feel a great disgust on myself whenever I run after things I don't want.


The thing is, no matter who you are-- rich or poor, tall or short, young or old-- you are in constant battle the moment you know who you are and who the enemy is. If you don't know the truth then you don't really know anything at all. You are on the losing side if you live in the dark. The battle was even tough on those who know the truth. How much more on those who don't?


So then, it was not easy for me. I took a side; trusted in my Master; and that's all that matters.


Victory.

Prayer in Trouble

Praise to you, Lord!

You called me amidst

the storm.

I will worship you

in my suffering.

I will praise you

in the storm.

You sent that to make me stronger

Like a candle in the dark,

Your mercy shines brighter

under the shadow of judgement

Your love radiates

around rings of hate.

Lord, though I am shaken,

you held me tight and

made me still.

I called you, Lord!

I called you on top of my lungs.

I can barely hear you

The thunder is so loud.

I can barely see you.

Because the rain is so thick

I can barely feel you.

I am covered in numbness.

And though my senses

fail me.

My strength now lost,

my will now dying,

I still know you are there.

The Cost of Faith

The heavens declare

your holiness, Father.

What is the worth of you

glory?
What can equal your price?

Nothing! For you, O Lord,

are priceless.

The wealth of the whole world

can never equal your value.

You are not even worth my life.

My life itself is worthless.

For I am but dust

from the lowly earth.

It was you who made me

as precious as diamonds.

It was your Son't blood that

lifted me up.

What can I give

that you have not given?

What can I let go

that you have not taken?

To my oppressors I say:

"Take away my wealth.

Take away my things.

Tear my house down!

Starve me from food.

Take away the ones I love.

Take away my life.

But you can;t take away my Jesus.

Do not abandon me, Father.

Do not forsake me.

For the cost of my faith

is not a timed prayer each day.

My faith cost me nothing

but a lifetime of praise 

to your Holy Name.

May my life, this broken life,

radiate your glory and

shower your love,

though the Spirit of your

beloved

who is within me.

The Lord Gives Joy

When I am down, the Lord

 lifts me up.

My Father loves me as his own.

He comforts me in my pain,

suffering and grief.

Lord God, thank you so much.

Thank you so much!

I rejoice in the presence of

the Lord.

Amidst the pain, I find

shelter in the Lord.

The enemy wants me down,

but my Father, the Lord

keeps me up.

His Word will never fade.

It is my assurance.

He gives my face a smile.

Indescribable joy.

I rejoice because the Lord

is my Father.

The Lord is my Strength

Lord, hear my desperate cry!

This is for your name. 

 Though they hurt me with 

their words,

They say that you

are not real,

I will praise you Lord with all

my being.

You sent me like a sheep

to a pack of wolves.

I do not fear

For you are my shepherd.

Watch over me, Eternal Master.

I am weak and helpless.

In the presence of my enemies,

I am alone and small.

They think they can

crush me.

They are giants!

You strengthened David,

your servant.

No doubt, you would

strengthen me, your child.

You are my strength, Lord.

Amen. Amen!

The Lord Provides

Lord, remember your promise 

to your servant David:

"I was young and now I am old,
       yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
       or their children begging bread."

You O Lord are my provider.

You feed the birds in the sky.

You clothe the butterflies with

robes more colorful than that 

of Solomon's

Remember me, Father!

You have begotten me as 

your child.

I will not lack anything if

I only have you.

You see my needs O Father.

You know me more than

I know myself.

Protect the glory of your name Lord.

Don't let them say:

"Look! He is begging and

asking for money.

His God doesn't provide."

Don't let your enemies gloat

over you, my King.

They rely on their wealth alone,

those godless people.

Don't make them boast that 

they are more powerful than you.

They are consumed by greed.

All of the things Lord,

let you will be done.

The Lord's Battle

Lord, I am trembling.

Take hold of me.

I see myself as the enemy.

And you are my ally.

You drew the line of battle.

You light up my path.

I know which side to take.

In you there is victory.

The battle is in my head,

But the war is yours.

It is raging in my hands.

Lord, the victory is yours.

Though in the darkness of death,

I walk its path blind.

You light up my feet

To keep me from falling down.

So I have come to this time,

in the crossroads.

What have I to choose, Lord?

You have the choice.

It may be now or never.

I do not fear.

For I have you forever.