A Man With No Emotions

I have hated pain ever since the beginning of my life. Since the time of my birth even up to the time when I gained understanding.

Like I wasn't alone! All people hate pain. Nobody wants to get hurt. It's man's nature to avoid pain. They wouldn't have studied medicine, researched for ways to improve health, get into diets and not to mention discover morphine and other pain relievers.

Well medicines are somehow effective in dealing with physical pain; however, there is no such medicine solid enough to cure it.

Well maybe there are some.

Emotional pain is more like a mental pain. Some people go to psychiatrists, some go for counseling, some just drown their hearts in liquor just to forget the pain, and still some go for the hard way by taking drugs.

Why am I writing this? It's because of a mistake I made-- something that almost cost my life.

My life has been lashed with storms of emotional pains, though it's not even comparable to some who has made pain there best friend for always being there. I've been rejected (Oh yeah, almost everyday), despised, ignored, slandered and many things, though like i said, it's not as harsh as what others have experienced.

Then came the disappointments. Even in my service to God, I still felt the emotional pains I used to feel when I was still in sin. The demons kept on reminding me of those things and it pisses me off. They disrupt my focus and even caught me in their traps. And because of that, there arose a fear inside me--a fear of giving and being rejected.

Time came that I had enough of those things. I prayed to God to give me wisdom to battle those demons. I prayed that my emotions would get swallowed up by reason and sound knowledge.

And God, as always, never failed to answer my prayers. He revealed a way. It was in my psychology class that God showed me a part of my brain that is responsible with emotional memory and a part that is responsible with rational thinking, logic and reasoning.

After that, I did something with my very own brain. I used my authority and tweaked it as though I was rearranging the registry of my computer's installed programs and saved files. I upgraded reason, logic and reasoning by taking some memory from emotional disk. And viola-- a new Tips, a close-to-an-android one.

For a brief period of time, I enjoyed freedom from emotional pain. Woooh! It feels good to be invulnerable, I thought to myself. Nobody can bring me down this time. State your case and I'll refute thee with mine wisdom and understanding. Bwahahahaha.

I even had an excuse: I KNOW what love is. I can contend with other persons who doesn't know love as much as I do. I can even contend with myself when I'm being tempted to have passion on someone. And yes, falling in love again was not in my choices nor my capabilities nor my tendencies anymore. I can speak about love. I can teach people about it. I can write a hundred books about it.

But ironically, I just can't. I haven't written any poems in weeks. I found it hard to write. I had the ideas but I just can't express them. I found it hard even to mend a broken heart like I used to do.

People around me were suffering. I used to be able to help them even when I was still in pain myself. I used to just listen to them. I couldn't speak enough because I still lack the words of advice. I failed to realize that the way my friends found comfort in me is through me and my listening ear, my warm smile, my brotherly tap, and of course my secret prayer for them.

It's as though my reservoir of love has gone dry. My knowledge puffed me up and I was breaking down with the lack of love. The cold was slowly embracing me that time.

I know love alright, but what good is it? I couldn't feel it's presence in me. Well I couldn't feel anything at all. I just KNOW things. But did I?

Good thing God loves me. He made me realize I forgot one thing about love:It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And coincidentally, it's found at the seventh verse in the thirteenth chapter of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

Love always perseveres. If there is no pain, discouragement and obstacles, there would be no use for love to persevere.

Love is laying your life for others. Even Christ Himself suffered pain for laying His life for us, but He persevered. There is always pain in a living sacrifice.

Surely enough, it's no use to know what love is if it doesn't live in your heart. It's no use to speak about it if you don't listen to it.

I know love alright and if it is not in me, I'm as good as dead.